Father's Day

*Let me preface this by saying my adopted father and mother are amazing and I am beyond grateful for their love. Please understand that when adoptee expresses negative emotions about their origins it is not a reflection of the adopted parents.*

Let's go back.

Back to the dark place in the beginning,  

The place where questions exist.

Don't ask questions, they say.

Be grateful. You were chosen. You are lucky. My father was far worse, so be grateful!

 They say this as though their own experience invalidates my own.

 They were hurt, so I cannot be.

But the darkness in the beginning still persists and I have questions that I'm afraid to admit, even to myself.

Why did you leave me?

Why didn't you want me?

How could you leave me on that streetcorner? There was a hospital right there yet you chose to leave me on the street.

Are you thinking of me today?

Are you still alive? 

If I searched for you and found you,  would you reject me again?

Would you be proud of who I am?

Or would my very existence be a painful reminder to you of the darkness within you that caused you to abandon me?

Let's go back further. Past the darkness...to the place where there is nothing.

In my mind, when I try to picture you ..FATHER...there is nothing. Which is worse than a something for you can rage against a something. You cannot rage against nothing. 

Let's go back further.  

Past the nothingness. 

Let's go to that scary place where deep down I feel that I am nothing. 

Because you are nothing. 

I was begat from nothing and so I am worthless.

Rationally I know this cannot be true,

But deep in my heart of hearts, 

In the very beginning.. in the furthest point,

In the very beginning...

I am nothing. 

But when I find you again,
Perhaps I will stop being nothing and become something.